By Thom Little, Ph.D.
As I have done for twenty years now, I spent three hot July days on the campus of the University of Virginia’s Darden School of Business with more than fifty of my favorite people – first or second term state legislators attending SLLF’s Emerging Legislative Leaders Program. And, as always, I came away much more optimistic about America’s future than I was before the program began.
Even though the program participants came from all regions of the country (44 states), bringing different experiences, backgrounds, party identifications and political ideologies, they quickly came together. In fact, I dare say this group came together more quickly than most of the classes over the past two decades. Within 24 hours, they were joking and laughing with each other while also having serious, sometimes difficult, conversations.
I am sure there are many reasons that this diverse group was able to come together so quickly, but one I want to highlight here is the lessons from one of the required readings for the program: Differ We Must: How Lincoln Succeeded in a Divided America by Steve Inskeep. In this book, Inskeep illuminates Lincoln’s life through sixteen encounters, from his barber to future Secretary of State William Seward. Each interaction was with a person who differed from Lincoln, and in each someone wanted something from the other. While Lincoln didn’t always change his critics’ beliefs (nor them his)—many went to war against him—he learned from each conversation and relationship. While differences are inevitable and even desirable in a representative democracy, they need not be paralyzing.
Based on conversations I overheard and developing relationships I witnessed, program participants took several lessons from this book.
First, don’t take disagreements personally. It seems like no matter what Lincoln said or did, somebody (or many somebodies) disagreed with his words or deeds. When it came to ending slavery, some thought he moved too quickly (and in the wrong direction), while others thought he moved too slowly. Sometimes, it seemed like he could please no one. (Sound familiar?) Lincoln did not let policy differences keep him from maintaining relationships with those around him. You can disagree and still be colleagues and even friends.
Second, seek out those with different positions. Today, with social media, talk radio and ideologically divided media outlets, it is easy for people to lock themselves in their partisan and ideological echo chamber. However, while the technologies have changed, surrounding yourself with like minded opinions is nothing new. In Lincoln’s time, there were partisan newspapers and social clubs as well as very active and exclusionary party organizations. However, he made it a point to build relationships and hold conversations with folks from varied perspectives.
Third, take what you need and leave what you don’t. In most conversations, even with someone you disagree with, you can find suggestions of value. Lincoln was a master at this skill. When he talked with those who possessed a different perspective, he would listen to them and learn from them. He would adjust his thinking as appropriate, but also ignore ideas that he found unacceptable or unfeasible. Keep what works and let go of what doesn’t.
Fourth, humor and stories can ease differences. Abraham Lincoln was a master storyteller. It seems that he had an appropriate (or inappropriate) story or anecdote for any situation and those stories and the lessons they suggested often diffused the differences that divided. They may not make differences disappear, but they can offer a path to understanding and may help us see that our common interests outweigh our differences.
Fifth, take and make your time. Throughout his life, Lincoln showed tremendous patience, from his long and stormy courtship with Mary Todd to his emancipation of enslaved southerners. Often, some people thought he was moving too quickly and others too slowly. However, Lincoln had an uncanny ability to know when the time was right for action. He would gradually lead others to where he was, making sure to bring those around him (as well as the voting public) to a position where his action would be supported. Patience is a virtue!
Finally, do the hard work. While conversations and ideas are nice, if you want them turned into action, you must do the hard work of listening, negotiating and compromising. This is especially true with issues where people have significantly different positions. To get to a place of agreement (or less disagreement), you must sit down with the other side (or sides) and make deals. I once read of a commencement address entitled “Duct Tape and WD-40” which told graduates that in life you need to learn what to stick with and what to let slide. In working on a tough issue, you must know what really matters and where you can give a little.
During this program, I saw how lessons like these, in practice, can enable total strangers to become friends while still discussing and disagreeing about hard issues. Maybe the rest of us should try it sometime!
